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Apparently, you’re not under the age of 25 if you don’t own a pair of Ray-Bans.

Cigarettes are optional, but if you don’t have the classic ones or perhaps some cheap rip-offs in silly 80s colors, you’re 40.

I can’t figure out the fedora. I see it on everyone and I just can’t understand what the statement is. I’ve seen elderly men wearing them, but also young, seemingly attractive women wearing them. Somehow–and I know this makes no sense–the women wearing them become less attractive. I have no explanation, but I just think a woman in a hat is not sexy.

I have noticed, however, that I love girls in workout equipment without makeup. If a girl can look sexy while sweating without makeup, she must look incredible after a shower and some foundation. There’s no way this could sound intelligent, but I just love a sweaty woman. I’ve been told that goes back to evolution– something about pheremones–but I like to pretend it’s the untapped potential of the iPod-toting hidden sex goddess.

I also have this thing about bar music; why play it so loud if no one in the bar has any idea what the hell you’re playing? Then again, as a musician, I tend to drift in and out of conversation, particularly if I don’t know any of the people I’m hanging out with. For example, my roommate’s friend was telling a story tonight, but all I could hear was Kasabian’s “Shoot the Runner.” It probably doesn’t help that I covered that song in my last band or that I love everything about that song.

The point is, I have no idea when I will find the right bar (with the right volume levels) to take the right woman to. Until then, hit me up on the cell.

Screw that: after then, hit me up on the cell.

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