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No, seriously; I put a lot of time into my cover letter. Phrases like, “Completely confident and able to adjust to new situations at the drop of a hat” don’t just pop into my head at a whim. That takes a lot of effort and dedication (between browsing for other job openings).

You may think I wrote you a form letter, but that would be just plain silly. Do you think words like “inexorably,” “sacrosanct” or “bullshit” appear in all my cover letters? No. They don’t. I used forehead-to-hard-drive osmosis to completely personalize my cover letter for you. Keyboard, schmee-board.

I hope you don’t think the Victoria’s Secret part of my “Employment” section is a joke, either. That just shows how dedicated I am; willing to do whatever it takes. And once I’ve done that, I can recommend a really great bra for you. For reals. Ask. I’m up on that.

Look, I’m sorry my GPA isn’t superb. You may have heard of this thing called a “Sophomore Slump”? No kidding? Yeah, well, I had one of those. Two aunts dead, a “C” in each of my majors (thanks, terrible teachers) and a broken leg on my friend’s birthday. The broken leg was an awesome way to start winter break—all your laughing gas are belong to my giggle face. But that’s neither here nor there; after that terrible year, I still managed to study at Rice University during the summer. That’s right; I studied English courses at an engineering school and read at least 100 pages a night.

I know I’m supposed to be nicer about all this, but I put a couple of hours into that cover letter and four years into that degree. At least tell me I’m not qualified. I don’t care if it’s a form letter, I kind of just want some peace of mind.

I won’t call you; you call me,



2 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. […] my resume to everyone I want to be. But in the mean time: Dear cover letters, I hate you, fuck off, die!!!!!!! « […]

  2. […] awesome: she has a bunny and she’s done some amazing edits for her publishing house and for my resume. She actually had me write up a cover letter she could look at, too. It was kind of a weird […]

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