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Sorry dude. Look, I know Righty McWrites A Lot gets all the glory, but I’m working on that. It’s going to take a lot of calluses and a lot of healing and so on, but in the end, it’ll be worth it. Sure, he gets to do all the hand shakes, the writing, the high-fives, but let’s face it: with guitar work, he’s kind of a bitch. All he does is go up and down. In retrospect, that’s overly misogynist, but I think you know what I mean.

If you stick this out, you and I can make it to glory. I quote John Lennon when I say, “AHHH!!! I GOT BLISTERS ON MAH FINGERS!!!!” Let’s do this. Let’s get you bloody, pulpy, disfigured–because that’s what it takes. We’re gonna make a man out of you.

So look; Pinkerton, cut the shit. I know I haven’t used you in LONG time, but let’s be honest. This is your time to shine. I’m finally willing to push you just as far as Firston, Middleton, and Ringo. Step you game up son, get out of the sky and onto the fretboard. If you want glory, you’ve got to commit to it. Be here now, etc. Don’t see the chord, be the chord. Be the chord.

Hey Thumberton–thanks for holding down the fort. I know your work is probably the easiest and that’s why I want to thank you. You stay solid, stay strong even though you know these other dudes are working their asses off. Without you, they would be nowhere. I know now here is nowhere, but these dudes couldn’t have done it without you and I have to say it because they can’t. You’re like the bass guitar of this one-handed-band. Stay strong even when they can’t.

Now give me a stage. Let’s rock, let’s rock.

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