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Hey, so, I know this is like, awkward and stuff, but I’m totally into you. I mean, sorry I’m ruining the friendship or if this is cutting into your hair-washing schedule, but I think we should try and get out there and do some stuff. No, I’m not kidding. I’m absolutely dead serious. I’m good at doing stuff and I thoroughly enjoy myself, but I do think it would be more fun if you came, too.

OH! Bonus round–best quote from tonight came from one of my friends after we were done visiting a hookah bar. “Wow, you’re like really sexual, aren’t you? Job at Victoria’s Secret and an interview at Maxim?”

You know what? Yeah. I am really sexual. That’s something to be excited about for the both of us. I hear.

Anyway, look, you’re definitely on to me: I do have an ulterior motive. But let’s be honest–is it really wrong to want to snuggle with something so cute? I submit, madam, that it is not. Every time I wake up I wish I had spent the night next to you or baby polar bears. That’s kind of an exaggeration–it’s mostly just the polar bears, but you’re definitely a close second.

I know this is a lot so take a break, work out, read a book, whatever it is that you’re into that I don’t know about yet. Afterwards, let me know if these feelings are mutual. Please, for the love of god, don’t write it in an email. I had guts enough to confess and ask you out in person. Do me the favor of dropping your variation of the “Let’s just be friends” line in person. It’s just more personable and the chances are way better that I won’t hate you for the rest of my life. This way I can see you’re serious, that I completely sideswiped you with my feelings and that you want out.

If my track record indicates anything, I hope it’s that I love knowledge. Let me know.

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