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I have this theory that the Pink panties department is secretly ruining the youth of America. Follow me on this.

The Pink department has not only a wide array of styles but also colors. Not every panty from the Pink panty department is pink. But what, then, is the only thing that is consistently pink when wearing panties?

Gross, I’m sorry, I know.

Anyway, they have sayings on them like, “Say it loud. Say it Proud.” I, in all of my twenty-two years of life, have never seen such a terrible misappropriation of of James Brown lyrics. Another one of my least favorite pairs said, “Invite Only” over the vah-jay-jay (pronounced vah-jai-nah). Another, right over the, um, “lips,” shall we say, says, “I kissed the Quarterback.” Those were the ones I was glad I picked up out of shipment instead of out of the changing room.

If I ever catch a pair of Pink panties on my girlfriend (whomever this greatly spoken of goddess may be), I will immediately rip them off and forbid her from ever wearing them again (I might love ambiguity more than jokes). Or just recommend a great pair of boy shorts. We shall see.

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