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How the hell is it that I picked the one neighborhood to live in with no hot chicks? Even some of the attractive girls at work are like, “…and that’s why I don’t mess with any dudes but my baby’s dad.” NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

In my neighborhood, everyone is either pre-highschool and getting escorted home by their moms or an elderly home resident. Or a dude–why are the dudes always on the sidewalk and never the girls? Actually, I take that back, I know why–too many catcalls. I know that from seeing girls get hit on and from living with a girl who gets a lot of catcalls. I probably wouldn’t want to be hanging out on the street either. Oh my goodness, that could also lead to being designated as a woman of the night, couldn’t it? Well, I guess I’ve answered my own question.

But seriously, why is it that all the girls I’m attracted to live in other states? I mean, I know I’m fairly hairy (shout out to my newborn kid, Beardsly. Stay strong and grow well, my son), but I had no idea it would drive women into other states. Consider this: I’m attracted to multiple girls in Texas, North Carolina, Minnesota (oddly enough there are more than two in that state I’m attracted to–I can’t figure it out, particularly since I’ve never been there. Curse you, Twin Cities and your attractive women magnets!) and just about every girl in Manhattan–which, by the way, might as well be in another state. Let’s say the East River is the State Border because it takes me like 45 minutes to get anywhere cool in Manhattan, namely 14th Street (and sometimes above). My passport is my Metro Card and I have to show it to get in as well as to get out. I also have to use it in order to get around the Great State of Manhattan.

Back to the issue at hand, though. How the hell did I screw up so badly? Was I seduced by large living rooms and individual bedrooms? In a word, Yes. Would I still have signed the lease had I known I would be risking my own mental health by secluding myself from girls to whom I find myself greatly attracted? In a word, No. I was seduced by material goods instead of the things that rise above material wealth (love and friendship, not boobies you fuckin’ pervert). Perhaps not seduced as much as tricked.

Never again, brain, shall we live in an area where there are not girls we’re attracted to. If you think I’m going to let you forget this, you are clearly out yo damn mind. You slippin’ in yo old age. I’mma call you later.

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