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I have this theory based on a conversation I had with some random girls in some random bar like three months ago when bar hopping was still not only convenient but also regularly occurring.

I based my question on the idea that men are always afraid of committing. Those were the stereotypes that I had seen in movies (old and new) as well as in television, particularly when it came from the mouths of women (cf. Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, et al.). I asked them if girls preferred hook-ups or dating and they unanimously agreed that they preferred hook-ups. I was thoroughly shocked and asked why. They told me that the movies I was watching were outdated and that girls are afraid of commitment. I disagreed with them strongly on the former but had an epiphany regarding the latter. My friend and I continued to discuss things with them until they decided they’d had their fun and left. So then my friend and I decided we’d had our fun and left.

But the point I’m trying to make is, it’s entirely possible that women can smell the commitment on me from miles away. I’m a complete date guy–if I can’t get to know you and be comfortable hanging out with you, why would I want to play tonsil hockey with you? I just can’t be comfortable with your tongue in my mouth if I’m not even comfortable around you. It’s basic physics.

Now, this is all conjecture, but I have the impression that I need to wait a little bit longer until girls realize that they can’t hook up with random dudes for the rest of their life. Well, that’s just shifting the blame away from my own incapabilities, but it sure has a nice ring to it.

Perhaps this is a better way to put it: I think I’ve been training to be a Stay at Home Dad for most of my life. My mom’s been teaching me to cook and has encouraged me to do whatever I like for like 22 years. Sure, she used to think that meant a career in Mathematics, but a) look what I’m doing right now and b) guess what I hate (hint: a) writing and b) all levels of mathematics beyond calculus). But it also meant playing with LEGOs and not doing drugs. I see your nerd level  and raise you one. Anyway, I like chick flicks and I like going to see art and culture in its natural habitat (museums) because I’m allergic to everything outside (except ragweed, apparently. Neat). I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people, being surrounded by people and having people visit my abode so I can be a good host. My ideal family has two to four children. I also don’t care what sex they are as long as they enjoy reading and not dating boys at an early age. I would also prefer that they have terrible looks in high school and undeniable, astonishing beauty (or a rugged exterior) after college. This way I don’t have to worry about abortions or closets until I love them as full adults, as the people they’ll be for the rest of their life. High school and college will be tough, but–by golly–they’ll earn all the unimaginable success they receive. Also, they need to be good with grammar and spelling, otherwise I will disown them. I hear Nebraska has safe haven laws or something.

Anyway, sometimes I smell like melted butter and eggs. I think that scares a woman off–they’re looking for men who smell like pine trees, hot steel and chainsaw exhaust (newly slaughtered cow’s blood optional) and I just can’t provide that for them. If it’s any consolation, I do tend to curse like a sailor and sometimes I sweat a lot. Musk? Does that do it for you? Gross undershirts and really nice ties? I’m not even sure I like that myself.

So, to summarize, I smell like the Cookie Monster, sweat, Enchanted, broken zygote, risotto, commitment, Valentine on the CW, grammar, nice ties and Sex and the City reruns. And girls don’t like that.

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One Comment

  1. Amazing. Best post to date.

    Musk’s not doing it either.


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