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1. When you enter our store, the names of our competitors shall not touch thy lips. Unless you are proposing a way in which we can prevent losing your business to them.
2. You shall not blaspheme our store…in our store. Sometimes we really don’t like working here, but it still pays the bills, OK? If you don’t think it’s cute, don’t buy it.
3. Remember the Weekend and shop bountifully on it. It’s a recession and the only way we can boost the economy is by shopping in it. (Actually, there are many more ways, but this is the most American way. Are you a terrorist?)
4. Honor your father and mother–they need Christmas gifts.
5. You shall not kill. I have no idea how to clean up bloodstains. I heard Coca-Cola’s acidity prevents the blood from leaving a permanent stain…I feel like it’s just a rumor. The point is, I should never have to sweep up after your rap feud ends. Take it to the West Coast.
6. You shall not commit adultery. For that matter, you shouldn’t have sex in the store at all. PDA would probably be okay, but we can’t be held responsible for sometimes being a little disgusted.
7. You shall not steal. Put it down, put it back, leave the store. Don’t come back.
8. You shall put things back where they came from. Otherwise, we reserve the right to call you any assortment of things behind your back, including: chickenhead, dumbass, idiot, moron, the n-word (reserved only for black retailer-on-black customer crime), scum of the earth, special, etc.
9. There really are no stupid questions. We’re sorry if we smirk a little or if we giggle but it’s usually because we’ve been answering that question all day long. Honestly, it’s better that you’ve asked what you might think to be a stupid question than go up to the register, purchase some XS panties when it’s pretty obvious you ride XL. Ask away.
10. You shall treat the retailers as you would like to be treated. We have to clean up after you, pretend to like you and then help you find things that you’re already staring at. We’re doing our very best not to throw up on you, so please, just ask and don’t rifle. Otherwise, you’re a chickenhead.


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