Sh*t. I’m 70.

• I pick up loose change all the time and actually make more interest by keeping the change I pick up than keeping my life savings in a bank.
• I check nutritional labels so I can buy the product that has the most protein for the least buck.
• I live right next to a Jewish neighborhood rife with museums and enlightening culture, but I’ve never bothered to go to any of the libraries or museums in my vicinity because I have no one to go with and no excuse for being in a children’s museum by myself.
• I go out of my way to avoid paying for drinks. Unless it’s for some of my best friends. Usually. Or if it’s a six pack. No, seriously–why should I pay twelve dollars, not including tip, for two beers when I can get six for the same price without someone else pouring it for me? It’s basic mathematics and, on top of that, someone once said, “Bars are for Europeans, Let’s have a house party.” Now I’m 80 and a xenophobe.
• I know all about the hazards Menthols pose for my lungs.
• In the last 48 hours I was outside of my apartment for maybe 5 minutes total (3 to grab a six pack; 1.5 to mail my Netflix back).
• In those last 48 hours, I also was asleep from 7AM to 7PM both nights (days? I barely even know what day it was. Thanks, Swiss watches with date, for giving me some idea). Sleeping during the day isn’t really as much of an old person trait as much as sleeping for 12 hours each night. The night before that I slept for 13 hours. That’s the most I’ve ever slept. Looking back, I think I just developed arthritis, dementia and a smarmy demeanor.
• GET OFF MY LAWN!