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I’ve basically spent the last six months alternating between replenishing PINK panties and the Secret Garden Beauty wall. For those of you who’re unfamiliar with the store, the Garden wall is the colorful wall, the one with all the pretty colors and all your favorite scents like “Amber Romance,” “Romantic Wish,” “Love Spell,” “Endless Love,” and other assorted variations of the same feelings I’m sure these scents are supposed to induce.

The point being this: The only time I ever see attractive girls is when I’m tending the panty bar (not frequently enough) or when they walk past the beauty room completely (all the time). On very rare occations–VERY rare–they stop at the make-up bar (what we actually call the “Beauty Bar” for some reason). I lobbed this theory past one of my coworkers and he said–flat out–“Oh God yes. None of the hot girls ever buy off the Garden wall. When (and if) they’re here they’re here for bras or make-up.”

But if you think about it, it makes absolute sense. When I walk into a club, bar, apartment, store or similar location of social gathering my nose may be leading my body but that’s only in the physical sense. As I’ve always said (not true), girls are first and foremost, a feast for the eyes. If I don’t like what I’m looking at, there’s no way the smell is going to convince me otherwise. To break it down even further, it goes like this: if I like the way your face looks, chances are I’m going to make a terrible attempt at starting a conversation. If you can hold that conversation, you’ve gotten another step closer. If you’re humorous, chances are good I’m falling in love with you every joke you make. Then, at the bottom of the list, if you smell like you need extra deodorant…well, I’ll buy you extra deodorant.


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