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Alright, so I lost a week to Rescue Me. Things happen. Coincidentally, if you’ve never watched any Rescue Me, none of this will make any sense.

Things I apparently need to say more often: “Kiss my bony white Irish ass,” “Prick,” “Asshole,” “Tan Balls,” “Shithead,” “I’m Irish so [insert stereotype here],” “Go to Hell,” “Whiskey,” “Halligan,” “Probie (School).”

I have to be really honest, too; considering how I’m not as morally inept as Tommy, I think I could make a really good firefighter (and perhaps a great Leuitenant). So that’s of my chest. Anyway, I’m really glad they finally stopped the slow motion montages at the end of each show in the first third of the third season. I could only handle so much more Look!-Look!-Tommy-Fucked-Up-His-Life-Again! or Look!-Look!-Everyone-Fucked-Up-Their-Life-A-Little-More-This-Episode! set to really awesome music like TV on the Radio or The Afghan Whigs.

And I know Tommy’s obviously the anti-hero but that man sure knows how to save a life. I know I’m stating the obvious, but it’s pretty clear that he’s really only at his best when he’s two seconds and a wrong turn away from a face-melting. And that’s why Leuitenant Kenneth “Lou” Shea is my hero. Not only is that guy fucking hilarious but his baseball metaphor in finale of the fourth season was perhaps the most brilliant thing that’s been said the entire show. And sure, he’s not exactly the most reliable of people outside the job but his life is nowhere near as fucked as Tommy’s. There’s no guilt-for-sex-with-dead-cousin’s-wife-thing or a huge Oh-fuck-I’m-helping-raise-a-kid-sired-by-my-wife-and-brother-thing hanging over his head. Sure, after Candi stole $26,500 from him he was a collosal mess and part-time bum, but he fixed his life after that filthy whore got arrested. He’s consistenly the funniest guy in and out of the firehouse. Tommy’s funny but his life becomes more and more of a shamble every time he turns his head (N.B. any time Sheila appears, Alcoholism, Valerie, Beth, [another girl], the hardness issue with Nonna, [some other girl], etc, etc.) or when he punches someone in the face before thinking. Finally, Tommy may sleep with more girls than everybody in the show (except maybe Franco and only in the first three seasons) but that pretty obviously doesn’t make him the manliest man in the house of manly men.

On star power: Did anyone see the powerhouse line-up coming? When I started watching I was like, Wow, this show’s awesome. What’s going to happen in Season Two? And then, Holy shit, Season Two’s awesome what’s going to happen in Three? And then, mostly for both three and four, Where the fuck did all these stars come from? Susan Sarandon? Really? Good God, that’s Marissa Tomei. On basic cable. And here comes Artie Lange. Gina Gershon and Amy Sedaris in the same episode? Get the fuck out. No wonder the guy who played Johnny Gavin jumped back on board in the second season. Apparently I was not the only person who really liked Seasons One, Two and Three.

Predictions for the season premiere (or at least to be set in motion) on Tuesday: 1. Funeral scene for Dad. 2. Bob’s out of the picture and Janet sleeps with Tommy. Again. She doesn’t seem to learn, even after that whole rape thing. 3. Sheila continues to act apeshit crazy, threatens to tell everyone Tommy’s been using Jimmy’s jacket in his spare time; probably blackmail to get the baby back. Insert creative solution here and she won’t, of course (probably because he’ll get rid of the jacket to avoid Section 8 charges, which means she’ll go on meds because she’ll think she’s finally lost a bolt too many). 4. The Valerie thing becomes more serious but then collapses because her whole “No Touching” thing’s not really up Tommy’s alley. And because Tommy’s fucking Janet. 5. Ghost Tommy continues to make Real Tommy want to believe in God more. Or just do more prayers. 6. Natalie gets married to the Chicago dude and Franco retaliates by founding a brothel. Except he’s not really a pimp as much as the guy that all the brothelettes sleep with. Alicia catches a whiff, moves Keela back to France. 7. Mike (sometime “Probie”) finally goes all-straight and becomes…some sort of “Man.” 8. Tommy fucks up. Someone dies. Chaos ensues. Punches Black Sean at some point for dating his daughter. Considers retiring. Doesn’t. Relapses again. Complains about 9/11 more (but with good reason, of course). Attains new booty call. Ends said booty call. Regains role of Biggest Badass in a Fire Ever. Maintains role of Biggest Asshole off the Job. Etc. Etc.

That’s all I’ve got. Asshole.


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