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Monthly Archives: May 2009

Roger Moore for Worst Acting Post-Cutaway-From-Stunt-Double in 1983’s Octopussy.
Key Scenes: Pretty much from the car chase scene until Bond jumps off the train. I mean, honestly, Roger Moore had more wrinkles than Maggie Smith in all of the Harry Potter movies combined. Like he’s jumping from train car to train car…more like…jumping from tanning bed to beach resort. OooooooohhhhhhH!!!!!! Got ’ems!!!!!

Melanoma is serious.

Asshole.

Here’s a story that’s way too long for this recipe:

I had Saturday off so I took the subway into town and walked from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Last summer I walked to the first tower and turned back (n00b tourist move) so I could get back home and make myself some dinner. Back on Saturday I felt the time had finally come for me to finally go the distance and walk the entire thing.

On the way up to the first tower the crowd was pretty much half Euro[tourists] and half gigantic families. I passed a ton of people and felt good about being a local instead of slow tourist. Past the second tower, everyone was pretty much walking towards Manhattan and beyond it, well, there was no one. To be honest, I don’t think many people have ever seen the “Welcome to Brooklyn” sign simply because the whole tourist venture seems to end at the second tower. I however love DUMBO, so I exited the bridge and found my favorite wine store where I purchased a bottle of red as my reward. The bottle said something about tasting great with meat on the label and I realized I should whip up some delicious hamburgers because the only way I know how to cook steak is on a grill (and since cooking on a grill would be 1) both ridiculous and hazardous in my apartment and 2) kind of too much effort for one steak for one dude).

Beat this meat:

  • ~1 lb of Ground Chuck
  • Less than a tablespoon of Cayenne Pepper
  • Dash of Salt
  • Dash of Pepper
  • 1 egg
  • 2 minced garlic cloves

Pretty simple preparation: mix it all together with your (clean) hands, shape it into patties (3-4) and cook ‘em. Tastes delicious in a little less than 10 minutes when you broil them. Also, about the Cayenne Pepper: I made these for my mom—who cannot stand anything spicy at all—and she thought they were delicious. It just adds a bit of flavor, not heat, to the delicious garlic topnotes.

If you don’t want them to shrink up, you can take a cookie sheet, place it on top of the meat and then put a brick on top of that. Usually that keeps them skinny like fast food hamburgers. Usually.

I have always hated looking up recipes and seeing stupid measurements like “Add 1 teaspoon vermouth and 1.25 ounces gin, then stir in a quadrant of ice and 1 and three quarters of a jigger of finely chopped peppermint sprigs.” So I’ve reduced some of my favorite recipes to simple measurements and all in whole numbers so you can measure with a shot glass, pimp cup, tea kettle or cough syrup cup without doing something stupid like measuring half a shot glass. Easy.

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA

  • 1 part Vodka
  • 1 part Gin
  • 1 part Tequila
  • 1 part Triple Sec
  • 1 part Whiskey
  • 1 part Rum
  • 1 part Lemon Juice
  • 1 part Simple Sugar (See recipe below)
  • 1 dash (or equivalent, see directions) of Coke

The best part about this drink is it’s pretty much 75% alcohol and all you can taste is sugary lemony tea. Unless you don’t make the Simple Sugar, in which case it’ll taste like someone made you a lemon tequila and threw some sugar on top. Another great thing about this recipe is if you actually invest in all the ingredients, you can make pretty much every basic mixed drink there is except a White Russian. Take everything on the list and shake it with an ice cube in a cocktail shaker. If you’re making a punch bowl’s worth, you could probably skip the shaker and mix everything in the punch bowl with a spoon or a whisk. Whatever you’re into. Pour over excessive amounts of ice. Add enough Coke that your beverage turns from light yellowish to iced tea color. Consume, but in moderation; they’ll sneak up on you.

Bonus summer game: Make a punch bowl’s worth and split with your friends on the driveway. Drink 3 and see if anyone can get back inside. Whoever places their hand on the door handle has the strongest liver and the highest chance of incurring alcoholism. Hooray!

SIMPLE SUGAR

  • 1 part Sugar
  • 1 part Water
  • 1 part Stiff Drink (See recipe below)

Prepare your Stiff Drink of choice. Honestly, if you’re cooking up something that’s only good for mixing drinks, why not take advantage of the mood? I’m right handed so I generally place the drink in my left and whisk with my right. Heat the water on the stove and gradually stir in the sugar until you have a pot of clear, delicious sugar water. I stir in gradually because I get to enjoy my Stiff Drink and because it just feels like more of a complicated recipe than it actually is. Place your Simple Sugar in a lidded container and refrigerate. No one wants hot sugar water.

MARGARITA (MAN STYLE)

  • 3 parts Tequila
  • 1 part Triple Sec
  • 2 parts Lime Juice (Alt: 1 part Lemon juice, 1 part Lime juice. Your call.)

Shake it, ice it, drink it. Sometimes I just throw the salt directly in because I don’t really want to salt the rim. Whatevs.

WHITE RUSSIAN

  • 1 part Kahlua (or other coffee liqueur, but why wouldn’t you just get Kahlua?)
  • 1 part Vodka
  • 2 parts milk (or cream, I guess)

Pour in listed order over ice, mix if you like. Now there’s a beverage involved here. Man.

GIN AND (TONIC, GINGER ALE, SELTZER, SPRITE, WHAT HAVE YOU)

Guess.

WHISKEY AND (COKE, GINGER ALE, ETC)

  • 1 part Whiskey
  • 1 part Mixer

Pour in listed order over ice and imbibe. Even better, if you have Jack Daniel’s and testicles (optional) take 1 part whiskey, pour it over ice and imbibe. You’re welcome.