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Most Attractive Women:
1. Copenhagen
2. Brussels
3. Lisbon *Surprise Entry*
4. Amsterdam

Danish women are…statuesque, amazonian, blonde, gorgeous. On a scale from one to supermodel, everyone is either an 11 or just not on the scale. And the scale leans heavily towards those elevens. My sister’s studying there and she said one of the most intimidating things she’s experienced was going to Sweden; no one was less than 6 feet tall and all the girls were blonde, blue-eyed and mythically yet undeniably gorgeous. Thus, I obviously wish to go to Norway, Finland and Sweden for my next vacation. Eg elskar deg.

The surprise entry is only on there because, out of all the women I saw working for TAP Airlines, there was only one that wasn’t attractive. It was like a .950 batting record and these women had the sexiest accent. Imagine a French-Spanish accent (that’s what Portuguese sounds like to me, apparently) on “Would you like milk with your coffee?” Obviously a terrible description of what it sounds like or why it was so alluring, but I was really only in Lisbon for like an hour and I spent all of that time in one of the most confusing airports I’ve ever been in–two heartbeats away from a panic attack–and the only thing that kept me from freaking out was beautiful women with lovely accents and easy-to-understand directions.

I would consider moving to:
1. Brussels
2. Copenhagen
3. Amsterdam

Beer and Chocolate comes before girls. But I’m also in love with a couple of girls I saw in Brussels, so it’s not like it’s the worst compromise ever. One of them was a bartender who had milk chocolate skin, soooo….already bought the ring.

Best Airline:
1. Lufthansa
2. TAP
3. SAS

Thankgsiving Dinner on the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Bailey’s or Cognac after dinner. Touchscreens for everyone. Lovely German announcements. Uber German Industrial Frankfurt Airport (stainless steel everywhere, efficiency merged with visual appeal, etc). These are just some of the things that made Lufthansa great.

TAP had awesome flight attendants. Also, they wore very nice clothing. In-flight entertainment was pretty lame and the plane was cramped (screw you, not attractive Portuguese women in front of me who kept reclining their seats!) but everyone except the Americans clapped when we landed. Kinda cool even though I was more focused on how the plane had hopped back up in the air to slam back down again…

SAS was sparse and the flight attendant was a dick. Me: “Can I just have a glass of water?” Him: “I have bottles of water for sale.” Me: “Uh, okay. I guess I’m good, then.” Thinking: “Well, now I don’t even want to buy a glass of water from you. You probably dirtied it because you’re obviously an asshole. I’m not immune to that kind of bacteria.”

Most Gypsies:
1. Brussels
2. Amsterdam
3. Copenhagen

Brussels’ gypsies have kids. It’s not just that they have them but that they cradle them while they stare at you with the obvious expectation that you’ll put money in their cup. Made me super uncomfortable. One of them even went out her way to touch me after I bought a train ticket. I didn’t know French or Dutch to tell her, “I need this money just as bad as you do and I’m not even trying to raise a kid. I can’t take care of myself, never mind you and your child” or just “No.”

Amsterdam isn’t really full of gypsies so much as transients. No one seems to be a local. That’s also what made it so hard to rate the attractiveness of their women. The ones who seemed to be local seemed to be fairly attractive, but there were also a lot of touristy women who weren’t super attractive. So the moral of this story is, Amsterdam is the Adult Disney World–you can get anything you want there and people flock there just for that. Accordingly, no one seems to actually live there except some of the people you see in their houseboats while on the canal tour.

Denmark is a socialist country. Hobos are liars; even my sister is covered under their healthcare and she’s only taking classes there for another three weeks.

Most Awkward City to Visit with Your Sister:
1. Amsterdam

Drugs are legal. Looking for Absinthe with a Canadian you met the day before. The Red Light District is where they keep prostitutes…in red-lit windows where they wave at you while you walk by. Sex Museums. Sex Shops. Burlesque Shows. Banana Shows. The list goes on.

Loves Art Most:
1. Copenhagen
2. Brussels
3. Amsterdam

The Royal Danish Theatre (N.B. the Skuespilhuset) and Opera House are fucking huge. Like, they built an island just so they could put the Opera House on it…and it has 14 stories. Architects are household names. Their Top 40 radio is American Indie music. They speak Danish but they never overdub English movies, they just learn the language. They fucking invented Legos.

I was only in Brussels for a day, but their architecture was amazing. Public areas were lovely and it seemed like there were a ton of museums I would have loved to see. I only spent 45 minutes inside the Rene Magritte Museum, but I loved it. The Palace and the King’s Garden, although we only saw them in darkness and rain, were sublime (the kind of sublime that put history into perspective. So much for what seems so little today, etc).

I really enjoyed the Van Gogh Museum (and that one cute girl I had an ogling competition with), but I was thoroughly let down by the Rijksmuseum. There was so much hype and the place looks so big from the outside that I’m somewhat suspicious they had closed off most of the museum. It was pretty much two floors with about four rooms each. MOMA is easily twice as large and only covers the last hundred years or so. But don’t get me wrong, what they did have was fairly excellent. That Rembrandt character seems to have a bit of talent. Time will tell.

All told, Europe definitely has some cool shit and I want to go back and see more of it.

P.S. All of the museum shops in Europe suck for some reason. I don’t have an explanation, it’s just…weird.

P.P.S. European conversation, unlike American conversation, seems revolve around letting everyone get their point on the table. When there’s a tangent, there’s always an effort to get back to where the conversation started instead of just letting the conversation develop however it may.

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