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I saw Up in the Air about a two weeks ago and there’s a scene in which three of the main characters discuss what they look for in the ideal partner. It reminded me of this one time when I wrote a personal ad, so I decided to go back and update what I’d written—oddly enough, it was already pretty accurate:

Looking for a woman who loves jokes nearly as much as ice cream and building forts. An open mind regarding music is preferable and a deep admiration of High Noon, chess and David Bowie’s “Heroes” is absolutely necessary. An admiration of Transformers would be ideal but is not necessary. Must also be amiable and an excellent conversationalist–at least with me. Preferably, you’ll not only enjoy a game of grab-ass but also, on occasion, instigate it. Must also be averse to tiger-, leopard- and zebra-themed undergarments because you know your breasts are not untamed African beasts. You should be the kind of person looking to raise 2-4 children and secret handshakes with me and understand my ambitions to be a Stay-At-Home-Dad (hint: it’s because I’m good at cooking, organizing and loving you).

Kinex lovers need not apply.

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  1. […] And honestly, this is one of those things I can’t explain, I don’t really know what my type is; every once in a while I meet a girl and I have some sort of subliminal thought process along […]

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