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Monthly Archives: September 2010

[Ed. Note: The title came to me when reading Jezebel once one day. So I wrote this and pitched it to the editor of Jezebel. I have yet to hear from her and honestly, it’s too good to sit around in my outbox doing nothing. I took out some stuff and added some links to make this overly explicit and inappropriate.]

Henry Kissinger once said, “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” Here’s a peek at the battle raging inside our heads about relationships and kissing her.

Horrendous puns aside, being a 20 something is generally pretty rough. We graduated into a recession, work in a recession or we still aren’t really sure what we want to do, recession be damned. And that makes it hard for us to focus on dating–wanna hookup?

If we can’t yet find the chutzpah to finally understand ourselves, then there’s no way we’re going to be comfortable with you. Regardless, basic human instincts have had an effect on us since the beginning of time. These are the facts: 1. You’re pretty. 2. We want you to come back to our place. But somewhere in there we were raised–sometimes–to do things like wait to call you, to get your chair, to listen, to hold the door, to not call you the c-word, to not order for you, to never hit on your friends. But that’s all the stuff that complicates everything and separates number 1 from number 2 (except the c-word and friend thing, of course. Those are a no-go all the time).

There are more than a couple of guys that want you and there are even girls that want you. But when we go through the motions and do everything we’re supposed to do, we trip over our own feet. We like what we like, but sometimes we’re just socially retarded. The laws of attraction have never been blatant for us. We keep going back to those two facts and trying to figure out how to get to and beyond number.

The most difficult thing about relationships is sometimes starting relationships. If we ask you out in public, someone’s going to hear and they’re going to make fun of us whether or not you say yes. Someone always pops out of the woodwork with a childish, “Awwww,” which is just as embarrassing as when you just say no. Or, what happens when we reveal our feelings and you decide you don’t want to ever talk again? Being friends and never dating you is easily more fun than making the mistake of getting emotionally involved then never seeing you.

Sometimes while dating, and this might come as a shock considering massive stereotypes about the though processes of women, we’ve over-thought this more than you: She doesn’t want kids? I want kids. How’s the soup? She doesn’t like the soup. I’ll never see her again. Wanna, I don’t know, get Mexican or something? She doesn’t like Mexican? I can’t go for the rest of my life without Mexican. I’m going to have to eat Mexican every day on work breaks. How am I going to convince her to move to Brooklyn with me and take the kids for Mexican food every Saturday? She’ll never want to retire to Austin because tacos are everywhere. I can’t do this anymore, she’s dead to me. I never liked soup anyway, what a stupid order. Oh, you do want to get some Mexican? Cool. Liar.

If we manage to make it beyond the “Can I hold your hand?” or the “Goodnight, oh Christ, do I walk away or just kiss her already?” phases, there’s still ground for misunderstanding. In some circles, leaving a toothbrush at the other’s place is a sign that you’re exclusive, that you’ve claimed us as yours. But that tiny little flag pitched in our den of solitude and magazines can mean everything or nothing. Sometimes teeth just need to be cleaned–sexy time. But of course, that’s just being nit-picky about one little thing. A myriad of things confuse us once we’ve held your hand and kissed you goodnight.

So I’d like to apologize in advance on our behalf. We meant to get that door. Do you want seconds? Sorry for mumbling. No, no–this round’s on me. That’s not what we meant; your haircut was weird at first because it was different, but now we realize it frames your face and makes you prettier. Sorry we didn’t call. Sorry for waiting so long to ask you out.


Full Albums:

  • The Hold Steady, Almost Killed Me, Boys and Girls in America, Separation Sunday and Stay Positive1
  • Interpol, Interpol
  • Living Things, Ahead of the Lions2
  • Pearl Jam, Rearviewmirror and Vs.3
  • Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth, Mecca & the Soul Brother4
  • The-Dream, Love vs. Money

Random Excellence:

  • Taking Back Sunday, “Bonus Mosh, Pt. II”5
  • The Knux, “F!re (Put it in the Air)”
  • Craig Mack, “Flava in Ya Ear (Remix)”6
  • Eagles of Death Metal, “I Used to Couldn’t Dance (Tight Pants)”7
  • Eyrkah Badu, “Honey”8

Songs of the Week:

  • Fall Out Boy, “Pavlove”
  • Ladyhawke, “Manipulating Woman”
  • LCD Soundsystem, “Dance Yrself Clean”
  • Lykke Li, “Breaking it up”
  • Pearl Jam, “Leash”


1. Been fiending some rock this week. I have a bad habit that comes from listening to songs on random all the time where my finger moves to the “next” button towards the ends of songs. Then the next song would play and it would be more Hold Steady and I would think, “Oh yeah, I’m still listening to an album and I love this song. Screw you, finger.”

2. This was more of the rock I needed this week. It’s like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club but faster. Thus, better.

3. Soundgarden’s coming out with a best of album that reminded me that their drummer is currently in Pearl Jam. So I listened to a lot of rock, courtesy of Pearl Jam.

4. No song on this album sticks out for me because they’re all too good. This album saves lives.

5. Come on. Even my mom likes this song.

6. I, too, consider myself no longer a resident of Houston, but I rap a lot. Indeed, people are mad that I get more butt than ashtrays. Haha, it’s so good.

7. This is a vignette in the memoir of Chris’ post collegiate life.

8. This is why I like Erykah Badu. Forget the 10 minute songs, the collaborations, the music videos. I like her when she’s funky, soulful, in love.


As much as I’ve been fiending rock this week, I’ve also kind of been in a rut. I flipped through some of my Rolling Stones to find some new music I’ll be looking up post-haste. Good morrow.

Full Albums:

  • The Beastie Boys, Paul’s Boutique1
  • Gorillaz, Demon Days
  • Joe Bonamassa, The Ballad of John Henry2
  • Kanye West, The College Dropout3
  • Mike Posner, 31 Minutes to Takeoff…
  • Taking Back Sunday, Where You Want to Be
  • The-Dream, Love King (Deluxe Edition)4
  • Warren Zevon, Genius: The Best of Warren Zevon5

Random Songs of Excellence:

  • Mos Def, “Brooklyn”6
  • Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth, “Soul Brother #1” and “Can’t Front on Me”7
  • The-Dream, “Fancy”
  • The XX, “Heart Skipped a Beat”

Songs of the Week:

  • The Motherfucking Police, “Bring On The Night”8
  • Van Halen, “(Oh) Pretty Woman” and “Dancing in the Street” 9


1. “Off the Grid” came up on shuffle and I started looking through my Beastie Boys collection only to realize that my playcount on this album was 0 for every song. I transferred all my songs to an external hard drive like two or three months ago because my music collection was more than twice my original hard drive space; a 0 playcount on Paul’s Boutique is inexcusable. It’s too good.

2. Too many great guitar riffs. Too. Many.

3. If you haven’t caught the theme yet, I listened to good music this week.

4. “Shorty priceless.”

5. One of my favorite quotes from all of college is: “Good art reveals something new each time you see it.” And that’s what this album is. Except I can’t see it, I can hear something great every time I listen. Indeed sir, a little old lady got mutilated late last nightA.

6. A rap song that starts with an interpolation of a Red Hot Chili Peppers song? Count me in. This three part suite peaks in the middle, but it’s still pretty great. Plus, I like how he talks about where I used to liveB.

7. These songs come from one of the best albums ever invented and I will probably listen to it again soon because it’s great.

8. I can’t find the words to tell you how great this song is. I can tell you that it embodied my life for this past week, though.

9. I got to work one day and a Van Halen song had come up on shuffle, I think it might have been “Secrets” or something, but it reminded me, “Oh yeah. They do some other songs that will make retail less terrible.”

A. There’s too much excellent alliteration, rhyming and assonance going on in that sentence for me to even start writing about it. You should just listen to it and bask in Warren’s greatness.

B. But I am still glad I no longer live in Crown Heights.


I talked with one of my best friends recently. He asked why I haven’t been blogging much and I explained that I do a lot of writing for other people these days. Sure, some of those places aren’t, how do you say it, “paying” right now, but I still do it because I’m making my resume fucking awesome. And furthermore, I do some of my best writing inebriated. And guess what I didn’t have from last Sunday until Friday? If you guessed alcoholic beverages, you were correct and you should give yourself a pat on the back. And then tell your female friends biting guys on the back so hard they have bite marks is not sexy. But I’ll probably hit on her anyway because I like boobs. These are the mistakes I make.

Now I think I have Carpal Tunnel.

I’m a lesbian now! I guess writing about girls makes you girl sometimes, or insert a “You are what you eat” joke here.

That same girl from Friday night kissed me last night. She also bit me so hard I have a bite mark on my back. You know, just hanging out in public,  and she up and bites my underneath my left shoulder blade. I think she thought it was endearing, but I’m definitely terrified of that woman.

Cut the shit with the challenges, women.

It happened again. And I was suspicious the whole time, too.

I kinda flirted with a girl last night. I mostly just pushed her away–verbally, not physically. There was a sort of neediness that leaned towards obsessive–she asked me if I was her boyfriend a lot and I nonchalantly provided a selection of answers from “Yes” to “Who are you?” to “Stop touching me.” She’s a bartender at a place where I have a friend who bartends so a lot of my jokes last night were things like, “Are you just hitting on me to get a better tip?  Because 15% of 0 is still 0.”

One of the other bartenders–and I think he’s cool as Hell, I just wish this had made more sense at the time–kept coming over and standing behind her. He easily could have been grabbing her ass without me being able to see. Which, if I was him, I would have done, too. Well, I did later. But the point is, she flirted with me to get to him. Which, realistically, is pretty awesome. She poured me a bunch of free wine and bought me a drink at another bar.

There was a moment where they looked at each other and went outside. They might have said something about a smoke break to each other, but they definitely said nothing to anyone else. It only hit me when I finished my beer: they had double-teamed an Irish goodbye and disappeared. I started looking for her to see if she’d buy me another when I realized I had been used to heighten interest between two people that are already involved. So I switched out of “Taking a girl home tonight” mode and geared back into “Hanging out with friends” mode.

I’ve got to figure out what it is about me that screams, “Gentleman on the street and neither a freak in the bed nor a danger to ladies’ hips.”

Challenge accepted, women.

Full Albums:

  • The Afghan Whigs, 1965
  • Does it Offend You, Yeah?, You Have No Idea What You’ve Gotten Yourself Into
  • Earth, Wind and Fire, Greatest Hits
  • Ghostface Killah, Supreme Clientele
  • Interpol, Interpol1 and Turn on the Bright Lights
  • Kings of Leon, Aha Shake Heartbreak
  • Lil’ Wayne, Tha Carter III2
  • Lupe Fiasco, Enemy of the State
  • Muse, Black Holes & Revelations
  • The-Dream, Love Hate and Love King (Deluxe Edition)
  • A Tribe Called Quest, Beats, Rhymes and Life
  • TV on the Radio, Dear Science

Random Excellence:

  • Thursday, “Arc – Lamps, Signal Flares, A Shower of White (The Light)”
  • Taking Back Sunday, “Miami”
  • The Notorious B.I.G, “Notorious Thugs (Feat. Bone Thugs N Harmony)”
  • Muse, “Undisclosed Desires”
  • B.B. King and Eric Clapton, “Hold On! I’m Comin'”

Songs of the Week:

  • Julian Casablancas, “11th Dimension”
  • Lykke Li, “Complaint Department” and “Breaking it Up”


1. I really like it. The first couple of songs reminded me of their first album and then the latter couple remind me of their later work. It feels like they tried to hook you with the classic Interpol feel to get you into the new Interpol. Which isn’t entirely terrible.

2. I just needed some more poop jokes in my life. And furthermore, “Mrs. Officer” is still fucking terrible. I also don’t think I’m a fan of the album’s  “You’d better love me because I will replace you with the next groupie I meet” theme.


This was late because I was at a friends’ place watching the VMAs. I know, right? I don’t believe it either. Oh, Lady Gaga. You and the Little Monsters pretend you’re the underdogs, but look how many awards you won.

Sometimes I feel like most of my life has been a tease: the Esquire Internship interview, working on-and-off in the publishing industry, the majority of girls I’ve flirted with, etc.

But I realized last night, after flirting with a girl for a while, that girls expect different results from flirting. Sometimes girls just like the attention. And honestly, I’m cool with that because flirting is pretty awesome.

But flirting for me has always meant, “HA-HA! We’re going to make out.” I get the impression flirting for women doesn’t always mean that, it can mean anything from, “I’m putting my hands in your pants” to “I’m faking this” to “This is a fun way to piss off my boyfriend.” And still, I’m cool with that.

The only problem I have had is that I keep expecting them to take me home. And now I know I’m going to have to put in more effort than just starting a grope-fight. Which is the coolest part.

Challenge accepted, women.

For the past two years I spent Labor Day laboring at work. This year, I spent my entire Labor Day weekend writing stuff. I don’t think you understand how excited that makes me.

Sure, on Saturday I worked until 2 in the afternoon. But then I spent the rest of the day walking around, taking pictures of a fire and then writing in my room and watching stuff. Yesterday? Reading, writing and watching. Today? I wrote more and continued research for pending job applications and interviews.

There’s nothing more exciting for me than the possibility that I won’t have to work in retail anymore–to finally be able to play a sport that isn’t lifting boxes full of bras or beauty products. I’ve had a burning desire to play lacrosse since graduating but the ever-changing schedule of retail has prevented me from being able to set aside time to enjoy team activities. Instead, my team activities have been my job where I have received the same kind of feeling of acceptance, thankfulness and teamwork maybe four or five times.

Sure, being excited about having a full-time job because I might get to play sports is kind of stupid, but I sincerely miss it. I even want to try playing rugby. Man shit. I like having some kind of schedule that doesn’t change every week. I like having a sense of stability. I like being able to have a business life and a social life. It’s cool when those two intertwine and all, but I refuse to live a life of retail.

And that’s why this weekend has been so exciting: I spent most of it doing things I love in order to make sure I can continue doing things I love for a career instead of doing things I might hate for a part-time job.

Full Albums:

  • Adele, 19
  • The Black Keys, Brothers
  • Bun B, Trill O.G.
  • Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot
  • Eyrkah Badu, New Amerykah, Pt. Two: Return Of The Ankh
  • Fall Out Boy, From Under The Cork Tree
  • The Hold Steady, Heaven Is Whenever
  • Katy Perry, Teenage Dream1
  • Ladyhawke, Ladyhawke
  • Marvin Gaye, Let’s Get It On
  • Mastodon, Blood Mountain2
  • Meth, Ghost and Rae, Wu Massacre
  • Mike Posner, 31 Minutes to Takeoff
  • The National, High Violet3
  • The Rolling Stones, Exile on Main St. (Deluxe Edition)
  • The Roots, How I Got Over
  • Royksopp, Junior
  • Saves the Day, Stay What You Are
  • The-Dream, Love vs. Money

Random Excellence:

  • Yelawolf, “Stage Lights (Remix)”
  • Otis Redding, “The Happy Song (Dum-Dum)”
  • Slim Harpo, “Tip On In”
  • Outkast, “Atliens”
  • Barry White, “Never, Never Gonna Give You Up”

Songs of the Week:

  • Katy Perry, “Teenage Dream” and “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”
  • Shakira, “She Wolf”4


1. Shut up.

2. Had to listen to this because of 1. Also, it’s weird how “Colony of Birchmen” sticks out like a sore thumb–far and away the best song on this album. I like how they hid a fan letter from some guy named Josh Homme at the end, though. That’s fucking classic.

3. I can tell it’s good I just wasn’t in the mood for it the day I listened to it. I get the impression the lyrics are pretty depressing and right now I’m making an effort to act like the Hold Steady and Stay Positive. So this wasn’t really working for me even though The National sure makes some cool sounds sometimes.

4. Funky, empowering; I’m surprised this wasn’t a bigger hit, particularly with the ladies. LET YOUR SHE WOLF OUT OF YOUR CLOSET. I’m sure there are more people than just me who like being seduced by women instead of doing all the seducing. And when I say I’m doing all of the seducing, I mean I’m asking stupid questions like, “Wanna hang out?”


A good week for new music, but I still ended up balancing that out with tried-and-true classics that I love. I love new music and all but sometimes I just need some jams that I know will make me feel good.