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Talking to girls is easy. Talking to girls about romance is impossible.

My mantra right now is Mike Posner’s “Cooler Than Me”: only portions though since a lot of the girls I have crushes on don’t think they’re cooler than me, they just are. I’m the guy who writes essays about things I love to pass the time1. It’s happened over and over again: I’ll write a letter explaining why part of my heart forever belongs to a woman then never hear from that woman again. Because I can’t say it out loud without stuttering or mumbling, but I can sure as hell write it out for you.

It’s like Episode 7 of The Hard Times of RJ Berger or The Switch: you can build up only so many ideas about the relationship or think up so many tricks to get what you want, but the only thing that will ever work is talking to girls and listening to how they feel and what they want. That is, expressing your feelings and discovering whether or not the feelings are mutual.

Certainly most of what I want revolves around embodying the Lothario character like The-Dream (see “Put It Down,” “Rockin’ That Shit,” “Fast Car,” et al) or like The Afghan Whigs (see “Somethin’ Hot,” “66,” “John the Baptist,” and so on) but I know there’s a whole lot of build up before that. Most of my life feels like I’m trying to convince these girls that I’m actually dateable–like Enchanted–because Prince Charming’s a dumbass who talks with squirrels more than with women. I always feel like I build the friendship up to the point where it seems appropriate to say something like, “Oh, listen, you’re pretty great and I’d like to have more of you in my life” then things get weird and they move away. Not always move away and of course I never express it that succinctly. Usually more of a “Hey, we should get coffee” and then after coffee, “Oh, I had an ulterior motive: we should date.”

For all the “Turn Ons” sections of Playboy I see with “Sense of Humor,” I laugh.2 I do it because I know it says “Sense of Humor” but it means “Sense of Humor with an eight pack. Ten packs optional, but seriously, I posed naked for the entire nation, so you’ll need six as the entry level.” I understand that if and when I nail Miss March, it’s because I’m so hilarious that she decided to put up with me writing an essay for her every once in a while until I start recycling adjectives. I’m sorry cheese is so fucking delicious.

So I guess I’ll try to wrangle up some cute pen pals that I can later make uncomfortable but save them the trouble of moving away. There will be no touching, but there is an off chance that I might find the relationship fulfilling.

1. You see what I did there? It must be the holiday season because you can call me Meta Clause.A
2. Pretty much once per two magazines.

A. Holy Hell, did I just type that?


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