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[Ed. Note: The title came to me when reading Jezebel once one day. So I wrote this and pitched it to the editor of Jezebel. I have yet to hear from her and honestly, it’s too good to sit around in my outbox doing nothing. I took out some stuff and added some links to make this overly explicit and inappropriate.]

Henry Kissinger once said, “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” Here’s a peek at the battle raging inside our heads about relationships and kissing her.

Horrendous puns aside, being a 20 something is generally pretty rough. We graduated into a recession, work in a recession or we still aren’t really sure what we want to do, recession be damned. And that makes it hard for us to focus on dating–wanna hookup?

If we can’t yet find the chutzpah to finally understand ourselves, then there’s no way we’re going to be comfortable with you. Regardless, basic human instincts have had an effect on us since the beginning of time. These are the facts: 1. You’re pretty. 2. We want you to come back to our place. But somewhere in there we were raised–sometimes–to do things like wait to call you, to get your chair, to listen, to hold the door, to not call you the c-word, to not order for you, to never hit on your friends. But that’s all the stuff that complicates everything and separates number 1 from number 2 (except the c-word and friend thing, of course. Those are a no-go all the time).

There are more than a couple of guys that want you and there are even girls that want you. But when we go through the motions and do everything we’re supposed to do, we trip over our own feet. We like what we like, but sometimes we’re just socially retarded. The laws of attraction have never been blatant for us. We keep going back to those two facts and trying to figure out how to get to and beyond number.

The most difficult thing about relationships is sometimes starting relationships. If we ask you out in public, someone’s going to hear and they’re going to make fun of us whether or not you say yes. Someone always pops out of the woodwork with a childish, “Awwww,” which is just as embarrassing as when you just say no. Or, what happens when we reveal our feelings and you decide you don’t want to ever talk again? Being friends and never dating you is easily more fun than making the mistake of getting emotionally involved then never seeing you.

Sometimes while dating, and this might come as a shock considering massive stereotypes about the though processes of women, we’ve over-thought this more than you: She doesn’t want kids? I want kids. How’s the soup? She doesn’t like the soup. I’ll never see her again. Wanna, I don’t know, get Mexican or something? She doesn’t like Mexican? I can’t go for the rest of my life without Mexican. I’m going to have to eat Mexican every day on work breaks. How am I going to convince her to move to Brooklyn with me and take the kids for Mexican food every Saturday? She’ll never want to retire to Austin because tacos are everywhere. I can’t do this anymore, she’s dead to me. I never liked soup anyway, what a stupid order. Oh, you do want to get some Mexican? Cool. Liar.

If we manage to make it beyond the “Can I hold your hand?” or the “Goodnight, oh Christ, do I walk away or just kiss her already?” phases, there’s still ground for misunderstanding. In some circles, leaving a toothbrush at the other’s place is a sign that you’re exclusive, that you’ve claimed us as yours. But that tiny little flag pitched in our den of solitude and magazines can mean everything or nothing. Sometimes teeth just need to be cleaned–sexy time. But of course, that’s just being nit-picky about one little thing. A myriad of things confuse us once we’ve held your hand and kissed you goodnight.

So I’d like to apologize in advance on our behalf. We meant to get that door. Do you want seconds? Sorry for mumbling. No, no–this round’s on me. That’s not what we meant; your haircut was weird at first because it was different, but now we realize it frames your face and makes you prettier. Sorry we didn’t call. Sorry for waiting so long to ask you out.

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4 Comments

  1. There is a very important factor you are missing my good man. That, dear boy, is Alcohol (with a purposely capitalized A).

    Everything you stated in the aforementioned mantra of neurosis is pretty universal, however thanks to one of nature’s most glorious offerings, you too can find love, the only problem is you might find other things (i.e. chlamydia, Hep C, SARS). The key is knowing when to use nature’s anxiety reliever, because it’s not a guaranteed win, but let me coach you through my strategy. This is not a strategy for picking up women, only for dating them:

    Date #1: During your lunch hour stop at a local liquor store and purchase one of those medium small size bottles of cheap scotch (JandB, Johnny Red, or Dewers) and hold onto it for about an hour and a half before you are set to meet up. Once at that 1.5 hr mark go ahead and take two short sips and then one medium sip. Then you are going to want more, so you should probably have a beer on hand, and something really positive on television, like Midnight Run. During the date, follow her cues. If she drinks beer, you drink beer, if she drinks liquor you drink liquor. If she’s having a Shirly Temple make sure to stop into the bathroom and repeat the two short sip/ 1 medium sip algorithm as soon as you notice sweat on your brow and an incessant interior monologue.

    Let her do the leading. If the date ends early, that’s fine, it’s date number one, just keep smiling, and don’t head off to the bar defeated because you didn’t get a BJ. If it went well at all, get online, she’s probably waiting to talk to you.

    Date #2: Repeat the steps in date one, except this time try to encourage her to drink a little more than you. PACE yourself as far as she knows, though you are welcome to stop into the bathroom for swigging purposes.

    Date #3: Repeat Scotch Step 1 except this time begin with 3 medium swigs. Take her to a nice(ish) Italian restaurant, throw down some money on expensive wine… then take her to your apartment which you’ve cleaned because you rented that movie she mentioned during the last two dates as not having seen in a long while.

    Man, you kept yourself thinking about what you should drink and how much that you didn’t even notice you weren’t flipping your shit. Now you are in a relationship.

    Congratulations, your balls are no longer your own.

  2. I mean, good lookin’ out and all, but you make it sound like I’ve never dated a girl. When my next date comes, I’ll consider your tips and everything but that’s not what this is really about. I was reading Jezebel and for a website for women that does so much talking about guys I can’t fathom why they don’t want to talk to guys.

  3. Look, I wrote all of those tips specifically to be cross-posted to Jezebel. Why do you think I used the name Tad OchoSeis? It’s a play on the word “menstruation” Come on!

  4. Good gravy, I’ve made a huge mistake.


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