A Complete List of Things to Do on Vacation

1. Hang out with the Dick Clique

1.a. Drink Shiner.

1.b. Drink at another round of high school reunions at the only bar in town that anyone goes to.

1.b.i. Say hi to everyone you hoped you’d never see again.

1.b.ii. Remember why you haven’t talked to most of these girls since high school or–on rare occasion–sometimes regret not keeping up with some of them.

2. Play guitar every night from 7 to 10 PM

3. Reminisce about all the different kinds of horns you haven’t heard since leaving the City of a Million Car Horns.

4. Never wake up a minute before 12:15PM.

5. Watch all five Harry Potter movies in chronological order. Repeat.

6. Wish everyone a “Happy Ramadan,” particularly after they wish you a “Merry Christmas.”

7. Participate in American consumerism and overconsumption in order to prevent a recession. And to get gifts for your family.

8. Practice my Brooklyn accent by repeating everything my Grandma says (“I’m ole!!!” “I cowled Mahgret yestahday.” “I tawlked to Johnathan. He gets me Netflix.”).

9. Drive to downtown Houston and do something.

10. Make my sister uncomfortable by being overly affectionate.

11. Cook dinner for my family.

Did I just grow up?

I went to F.A.O. Schwartz today and on a scale of 1 to Total Letdown I think it was probably around a 7, possibly an 8. The LEGO section had three products (but they sure had them in abundance!), all of which were above $100. Good work, recession; you ruined my inaugural visit to my own personal mecca.

But the travesties didn’t stop there–the Harry Potter section was hopelessly and unredeemably terrible. They had every tie except the Gryffindor tie (luckily, I already own it) and all the wands your little heart could desire. You think I’m going to drop like $150 for a wand? Well, maybe when I’m severely incapacitated or at least roofied, but not while I’m walking my underage sister around the city.

Even the big piano was a little too built up. I think that thing’s only fun if Tom Hanks and Robert Loggia are waltzing on it with the off-chance hope that the boy stuck inside Tom will turn into a man. I just don’t think he will. All tangents aside, two of the workers danced two songs. Neither of them won an Oscar for their performance either, so it was time to move on.

Really the only thing that was different from any other toy store was that they had mass amounts of every single toy and the store was ridiculously organized. It wasn’t particularly amazing, just flooded with way too much of the same couple toys. I will admit though, if you’re looking for absurdly oversized stuffed animals (which won’t fit in your apartment–this is mufuggin’ NYC. Who’re you kidding? That animal is the size of your apartment) then this is your store! If you reduced the quantity and got rid of the oversized dogs and sheep, this would be a Toys-R-Us.

So no longer being a kid kinda sucks. Until the day I get to be a child again…GIMME RECESS BACK, F.A.O. SCHWARTZ. AND GET MORE LEGOs. NO ONE LIKES PLAYMOBIL.

The Ten Commandments of Retail

1. When you enter our store, the names of our competitors shall not touch thy lips. Unless you are proposing a way in which we can prevent losing your business to them.
2. You shall not blaspheme our store…in our store. Sometimes we really don’t like working here, but it still pays the bills, OK? If you don’t think it’s cute, don’t buy it.
3. Remember the Weekend and shop bountifully on it. It’s a recession and the only way we can boost the economy is by shopping in it. (Actually, there are many more ways, but this is the most American way. Are you a terrorist?)
4. Honor your father and mother–they need Christmas gifts.
5. You shall not kill. I have no idea how to clean up bloodstains. I heard Coca-Cola’s acidity prevents the blood from leaving a permanent stain…I feel like it’s just a rumor. The point is, I should never have to sweep up after your rap feud ends. Take it to the West Coast.
6. You shall not commit adultery. For that matter, you shouldn’t have sex in the store at all. PDA would probably be okay, but we can’t be held responsible for sometimes being a little disgusted.
7. You shall not steal. Put it down, put it back, leave the store. Don’t come back.
8. You shall put things back where they came from. Otherwise, we reserve the right to call you any assortment of things behind your back, including: chickenhead, dumbass, idiot, moron, the n-word (reserved only for black retailer-on-black customer crime), scum of the earth, special, etc.
9. There really are no stupid questions. We’re sorry if we smirk a little or if we giggle but it’s usually because we’ve been answering that question all day long. Honestly, it’s better that you’ve asked what you might think to be a stupid question than go up to the register, purchase some XS panties when it’s pretty obvious you ride XL. Ask away.
10. You shall treat the retailers as you would like to be treated. We have to clean up after you, pretend to like you and then help you find things that you’re already staring at. We’re doing our very best not to throw up on you, so please, just ask and don’t rifle. Otherwise, you’re a chickenhead.

My Life, as performed by my favorite bands, follow up

OhhhhhhhhhGoddd it hurts. I spent so much time on that 100th post I thought I was going to end up on a list called “Top 11 Lamest Blogs.” I literally clicked through each one like, “ohmigod, omigod, don’t…yessssssnotonit.” My face feels like it’s on fire because my brain’s melting from connecting all the dots.

I remember someone said, “If you love something, let it go,” but it wasn’t in a song that I know of, so…no footnote. I still have all kinds of quotes running through my head that describe me but that I can’t fit into the post. The Hold Steady once said, “I ain’t never been with your little hoodrat friend,”¹ which completely applies to me. But it’s kind of cheating because 1) I don’t really know any hoodrats or anyone who has hoodrat friends and 2) I don’t like drugs. Which is what most of the rest of the song is about. Also, where does “I’m standing next to a mountain, I chop it down with the edge of my hand” fit in? It couldn’t be more true–I recently picked up all the pieces and made an island²–but it just didn’t fit.

I even have quotes that fit, I just got the point where I didn’t want to adjust all the footnotes. A great writer once said, “We just want to sing you to sleep in your bedroom speakers, Whoah!”³ This would have fit perfectly in the paragraph about my recording career, but then I’d have to readjust like 20 footnotes. Instead these three are here.

I think I’ll sleep and try to forget this project. Meet you at post 102.



Goddamnit! It’s become a habit.
1. “Your Little Hoodrat Friend” by The Hold Steady
2. “Voodoo Child” by The Jimi Hendrix
3. “Don’t You Know Who I Think I Am?” by Fall Out Boy

My life, as performed by my favorite bands

The whole truth and nothing but the truth–stop me if you’ve heard this one before. ¹ Sucka MCs check tha footnotes, ya’ll.²

Since I’m clearly working chronologically, let’s start at the beginning: Umbilical cord’s wrapped around my neck. I’m seein’ my death and I ain’t even took my first step. I made it out, I’m bringin’ mad joy, the doctor looked and said, “He’s gonna be a Bad Boy.”³

Now that that’s out of the way, I submit my incentive is romance…you make me wanna pick up a guitar.⁴ Need a woman that’s gonna hold my hand, tell me no lies, make me a happy man.⁵ She got the goods and she got that ass? I got to look—sorry.⁶ Just about every time I meet a girl I think, “I wonder if I could date her.” But, realistically, I know I’m not that into every girl I know and, also, I just don’t trust myself with lovin’ you. ⁷ I mean, I know we just met, but are you afraid of being alone? Because I am.⁸ Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face. ⁹ I’ll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.¹⁰ When your eyes are closed I hope I’m the man you see, ’cause if not—I want you to know—tonight I plan to be.¹¹ It’s alright to tell me what you think about me. I won’t try to argue or hold it against you.¹² I don’t want to do what I’m supposed to–I just want someone to be close to.¹³ If you’d call me now, baby, I’d come a-runnin’.¹⁴ I thought I was a fool for no one, but oooh baby, I’m a fool for you.¹⁵ I feel for you. You doin’ things that you don’t have to. He doesn’t love ya; I can tell by his charms, you should just lay in my arms.¹⁶ I’d have to walk a thousand miles, just to find the ground deserving of your feet. You could throw me down and walk on me.¹⁷

Of course it never helps that I’m always the last to know: One boy calls while the other texts; she’s got boys on board and boys on deck. Second dates and lipstick tissues. New York gets pretty heavy, girl I hope it doesn’t crush you.¹⁸ It’s girls like you that make me think I’m better off home on a Saturday night with all my doors locked up tight. I won’t be thinking about you, baby. ¹⁹ I just wanted to hold you in my arms. ²⁰

Which brings us to the real issue at hand: New York’s the greatest if you can get someone to pay the rent.²¹ I’ve only lived here a couple months but it already feels like every time I close my lids I can still see the borough, I can still see the Bridge.²² It’s a hell of a town. The Bronx is up and I’m Brooklyn down…I quit my job, I cut my hair–I cut my boss ’cause I don’t care [more on my employment to come in this post]…I ride around town because my ride is fly. I shot a man in Brooklyn (just to watch him die).²³ I represent BK to tha fullest.²⁴ I’m in the lab all day–I scrabble all night. I got a bedazzler so my outfit’s tight. When it comes to panache, I can’t be beat; I got the most style from below 14th street.²⁵

Thoughts of the lab bring me to my recording career: I’m strictly rhythm. I don’t want to make [my guitar] cry or sing.²⁶ Also, let me tell you one lesson I’ve learned; If you wanna reach something in life, you ain’t gonna get it unless you give a little bit of sacrifice. Ooooh, sometimes you’ve got to cry before ya smile. You need a heart that’s filled with music; If you use it you can fly.²⁷ Well, I hope we’re not too messianic or a trifle too satanic. We love to play the blues.^28. And I don’t believe in filler, baby. If I could I’d sit this out. This is a lesson in procrastination; I kill myself because I’m so frustrated and every single second that I put it off means another lonely night I’ve got to race the clock. What say we go and crash your car? Every time I leave, you go and lock the door. So I walk myself back picking at the chip on my shoulder. I’m another day late and another year older: I’m out of everything. But no one sleeps ’til we get this shit on the shelves.²⁹ No sleep, that is, ’till Brooklyn.³⁰ Violence in all hands–embrace it if need be. Livin’ been warfare, I press it to CD.³¹ Off in the night while you live it up, I’m off to sleep. Wagin’ wars to shake the poet and the beat. I hope it’s going to make you notice, I hope it’s going to make you notice… someone like me.³² At any rate, raise a toast to St. Joe Strummer–I think he might have been our only decent teacher.³³

Which, of course, brings me to my social life: Me and all my friends are like, “Double Whiskey Coke, no ice.”³⁴ You can be mean…and I…I’ll drink all the time.³⁵ Here’s to the kids out there smokin’ in the streets–they’re way too young but I’m way too old to preach.³⁶ Talk to me now that I’m older. Your friend told you ’cause I told her. Friday nights have been lonely, change your plans and then phone me. We could go and get 40s—fuck goin’ to that party.³⁷ Tell me your name, tell me your story; ’cause I’m into it. [I’ve been] running through life like a misfit.³⁸ My stupid mouth has got me in trouble; I said too much again…Oh, another social casualty–score one more for me. How could I forget? Mama said, “Think before speaking.” No filter in my head, oh, what’s a boy to do? I just wanna be liked, I just wanna be funny.³⁹ I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints; the Sinners are much more fun.⁴⁰ (I got the devil in me, babe)⁴¹ Anything for a lover, anything for a friend. I only wanna see you happy—baby, can we pretend? I’d give anything to see you dance, I’d give anything to see you smile.⁴² And when we go to the dance floor, you know we move, yes we move, yes we like our dancing.⁴³ Ah, come on! Take a chance! You’re old enough to dance the night away.⁴⁴ I’m the one that won that dance contest ’cause you know I dance the best.⁴⁵ But all this didn’t come without practice: I’ve been beat up. I’ve been thrown out. But I’m not down–No!–I ‘m not down.⁴⁶ In fact, this weekend you can meet me out in front of the Rainbow Foods. I got a brown paper bag and black buckle shoes. If anything seems weird, just cruise.⁴⁷ I’m happy–things are lookin’ good now. I feel so alive, I’m on overdrive. I’m killing it, I’m killing it.⁴⁸

It wasn’t always this way–back in the days, our parents used to take care of us, look at ‘em now, they even fuckin’ scared of us. Callin’ the city for help because they can’t maintain; Damn, shit done changed.⁴⁹ It’s like the game ain’t the same–got younger [expletive] pullin’ the triggers bringing fame to they name…I got so many rhymes I don’t think I’m too sane; life is parallel to Hell but I must maintain…I never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death.⁵⁰ Now things have changed (it ain’t so simple)–now life is a musical.⁵¹ And sometimes I think my life’s a movie. Play it all back.⁵² And you know on movie nights I brought butter for the popcorn, dips for the chips.⁵³ See, people they don’t understand. No, girlfriends, they can’t understand. Your grandsons, they won’t understand. On top of this, I ain’t ever gonna understand…⁵⁴ However, what I can tell you is this: restless soul, enjoy your youth. Like Muhammad, it’s the truth. Can’t escape from the common rule: If you hate something, don’t you do it too.⁵⁵

Sigh…the burden of contradicting myself constantly; that is to say, the burden of thought and thinking is a terrible weight that sometimes I truly hate. And this is my mind; it goes over and over the same old lines. And this is my brain; its torturous analytical thoughts make me go insane…And I’m singin’ “Uh oh” on a Friday night. And I hope that everything’s gonna be alright.⁵⁶ I don’t wanna think, I wanna feel.⁵⁷ I’m like a trash can, holding all the information.⁵⁸ Spaceships don’t come equipped with rearview mirrors—they dip.⁵⁹ So I’m going to live in this moment and not live in the past–it’s the best I can do.

Now when it comes to my employment, if it don’t make dollars then it don’t make sense.⁶⁰ Cut the check. Give it here. Don’t say nothin’.⁶¹ So git down wit UGK, Pimp C, B-U-N-B. Easy as A-B-C, simple as 1-2-3. ‘Cause what’s a ho with no pimp and what’s a pimp with no ho? Don’t be a lame, you know the game and how it goes; we tryin’ to get yours.⁶²

Looking back from my old age, I wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years of life.⁶³ But I’m getting so tired of people cutting my wires. Life’s just far too short for miscommunication.⁶⁴ When I grow up, it might be cool to be like my sister; don’t give a fuck.⁶⁵ In the mean time, shit, goddamn. I’m a man, I’m a man.⁶⁶ Swear to God, don’t get it fucked up.⁶⁷

Back to this G shit, now that’s how you let the beat build…biiiitch.⁶⁸

1. “Miami” by Taking Back Sunday
2. “Oh Word?” by The Beastie Boys
3. “Respect” by Notorious B.I.G.
4. “Slowhands” by Interpol
5. “Black Dog” by Led Zeppelin
6. “Good Life (Feat. some giant asshole named T-Pain)” by Kanye West
7. “I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You)” by John Mayer
8. “I’m Lost Without You” by Blink 182
9. “Jesus” by Brand New
10. “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer
11. “The Way She Dance” by N.E.R.D.
12. “Dammit” by Blink 182
13. “(I Used to Couldn’t Dance) Tight Pants” by The Eagles of Death Metal
14. “On Call” by Kings of Leon
15. “Supermassive Black Hole” by Muse
16. “Senorita” by Justin Timberlake
17. “Nightingale” by Saves the Day
18. “Magazines” by The Hold Steady
19. “Last Chance to Lose Your Keys” by Brand New
20. “Starlight” by Muse
21. “North American Scum” by LCD Soundsystem
22. “Hero” by Nas
23. “Hello Brooklyn” by The Beastie Boys
24. “Unbelievable” by Notorious B.I.G.
25. “Shazam!” by The Beastie Boys
26. “Sultans of Swing” by Dire Straights
27. “Sacrifice” by The Roots
28. “Monkey Man” by The Rolling Stones
29. “Failure by Design” by Brand New
30. “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” by The Beastie Boys
31. “New Millennium Homes” by Rage Against the Machine
32. “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon
33. “Constructive Summer” by The Hold Steady
34. “Constructive Summer” by The Hold Steady
35. “Heroes” by David Bowie
36. “Ragoo” by Kings of Leon
37. “12:51” by The Strokes
38. “Misfit” by Elefant
39. “My Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer
40. “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel
41. “John the Baptist” by The Afghan Whigs
42. “John the Baptist” by The Afghan Whigs
43. “I like to Move in the Night” by The Eagles of Death Metal
44. “Dance the Night Away” by Van Halen
45. “All Lifestyles” by The Beastie Boys
46. “I’m Not Down” by The Clash
47. “Southtown Girls” by the Hold Steady
48. “Happy” by N.E.R.D.
49. “Things Done Changed” by Notorious B.I.G.
50. “N.Y. State of Mind” by Nas
51. “Life is like a Musical” by Outkast
52. “Life is a Movie” by GZA
53. “Alphabets” by GZA
54. “Last Nite” by The Strokes
55. “Not for You” by Pearl Jam
56. “Mouthwash” by Kate Nash
57. “Hail, Hail” by Pearl Jam
58. “Salute Your Solution” by The Raconteurs
59. “Int’l Player’s Anthem (I Choose You)” by UGK
60. “Mouths to Feed” by Ludacris
61. “Don’t Say Nothin” by The Roots
62. “Int’l Player’s Anthem (I Choose You)” by UGK
63. “All My Friends” by LCD Soundsystem
64. “Down to the Market” by The Kooks
65. “Barely Legal,” The Strokes
66. “Whorehoppin’ (Shit, Goddamn)” by The Eagles of Death Metal
67. “Can’t Knock the Hustle” by Jay-Z
68. “Let the Beat Build” by Lil’ Wayne